TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically known for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed through the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully outside of spot. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Certainly, confident, let us have One more place where American Adult men can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: present All people a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It's that he should halt making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the venture, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Area, a function getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not merely unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where by's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel where my PTSD might have switch-down provider."


A Trump Tower Damascus different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."

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